Ask Amy: Young bully weaponizes friendship

Dear Amy: My daughter, in third grade, made friends with a second-grader, “Lucy,” who lives across the street. They go to the same school.

The two girls were getting along great when all of a sudden Lucy started making friends with all my daughter’s classmates, and then telling her that the other kids don’t want to be her friend.

She also heard Lucy tell another girl that my daughter is ugly. She came home sobbing.

I know this happens all the time, but it’s wrong.

This little girl has spent a lot of time at our house. Her mom is a school counselor. Should I talk to the mom?

(My daughter doesn’t want to go to this school anymore – she’s only in third grade!)

I’m afraid this woman might be one of those mothers who thinks her child does nothing wrong, since she counsels kids as a profession.

– Outraged in Omaha

Dear Outraged: Friendship is the primary currency in primary school, and the dynamic you describe is one way that children believe they attain status. Little “Lucy” is on a dangerous path of her own, and this behavior should be corrected.

Yes, you should speak with this other mother about the dynamic between the two. You don’t seem to know her well, but because she is a school counselor, she might have insight or fresh ideas for how to handle this drama. If she minimizes this – or perhaps even contributes to it – then you’ll know to avoid both mother and daughter.

Your daughter’s classroom teacher should be made aware of the current stress she is experiencing. The teacher might be able to ease some of her concerns about school by engaging with her more in the classroom.

You should also talk with your daughter. Not only to comfort her when she is upset, but to talk to her about strategies for dealing with her feelings when people are mean, unfair, or unjust. She should learn to feel comfortable standing up for herself – with little Lucy, and others.

Also get her involved in an afterschool activity, such as scouting, music, drama, or sports.

She would benefit from reading the “Weird” series by Erin Frankel and Paula Heaphy, featuring a third-grade girl who is being bullied by a classmate who brands her as “weird” (Free Spirit Publishing, 2013). The hero of these stories recovers her confidence with the help of others; I hope your daughter will, too.

Dear Amy: I am a woman in my 40’s. I’m very successful in my career and life. My mother is in her 70’s. She is extremely unhealthy – she always has been (mostly due to lack of exercise and poor diet).

Due to health issues, she’s recently been prescribed opioids.

It is my opinion that she uses them as a crutch. Rather than eat right or exercise, she pops another pill.

When I mention this to my father, her caretaker, he becomes furious and accuses me of being the drug addict (yes, I occasionally smoke pot).

I think opioids are terrible and dangerous, and I’ve seen too many people overdose to be comfortable with this.

What should I do, if anything?

– Upset

Dear Upset: You seem to be blaming your mother for health problems that you deem could be fixed through exercise and diet.

You don’t mention being a physician or nutritionist, in fact you don’t seem to know what your mother’s medical issues are, or why she has been prescribed opioids.

Your attitude is actually similar to your father’s.

You assume she is addicted to opioids, he assumes you are addicted to marijuana, when in fact you both may be using these substances in proper doses.

If you want to pass judgment, you should educate yourself on her condition and treatment, and lend a helping hand in her care.

Dear Amy: “Heartbroken Husband’s” wife left after his behavior changed due to treatable anemia.

You said, “This falls under the sickness and health portion of the marriage contract, and your wife obviously does not have the fortitude to stick it out.”

I think that is a really judgmental way to describe the wife.

As one who “stuck it out” for 45 years before leaving I know there was much more going on here than a lack of fortitude.

Please be kind in your assumptions about the wife who has not had her input into the conversation.

– Deborah

Dear Deborah: I appreciate your perspective, but in answering this question, I had only the husband’s version to go on.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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