Ask Amy: Sister’s married boyfriend is not welcome

Dear Amy: My sister “Kelly,” who lives out of state, won’t be joining us for Christmas because Mom said no when Kelly asked if she could bring her married boyfriend home to meet the family.

I am firmly in Mom’s corner and am hurt and disappointed that she is choosing him over family. Kelly is my best friend.

Kelly says the situation is “complicated,” but for me it’s not actually that complicated.

My morals can be flexible at times, but marriage is an absolute line in the sand. I’ve been married 28 years and to me, marriage is SACRED.

Am I being too judgy? Do I have to be supportive?

Kelly is bound to bring him home at some point. I have no idea how to act.

She is so much more than a side piece, and I’ve told her this many times.

In the meantime, I’m simply asking for someone to pour a little more liquor into my eggnog.

– Sister

Dear Sister: I wonder if there is ever a time when an extramarital relationship isn’t complicated. Of course it’s complicated!

Bringing your married squeeze home for the holidays isn’t exactly the makings of a Hallmark Channel movie, although maybe it should be. (“Stay tuned for ‘Christmas Complications.’ Watch the snowballs fly when a lonely spinster brings her married boyfriend home to their Christmas tree farm – featuring the holiday hit: ‘Baby, it’s Scold Outside.’”)

You are being judgy, but feeling (or fearing) harsh judgment is the eternal sisters’ lament. In many families, scrutinizing and judging one another seems to be baked into the sister relationship.

I think you should consider making a deliberate choice not to judge your sister.

You have your point of view; she no doubt anticipates it. (After all, you’ve already called her a “side piece.”)

And who knows – maybe she lacks self-awareness, self-esteem, or discernment because you’ve been waiting in the wings, ready to weigh in.

Perhaps you could deliver this sentiment as a holiday gift: “I’m not here to judge you. But Mom’s not ready and I’m not ready to meet this man. We’ll miss you this year, but let’s make sure to talk on Christmas Day.”

Yes, you should be supportive of your sister as a person, but you are not required to support all of her choices.

Dear Amy: My husband and I got married later in life (when I was 49, he was 44). This is his second marriage.

We have struggled a bit with finances because I came into the marriage with much more, financially, so after a few years we decided to open a joint account.

I was excited to begin this commingling because it would establish more of a team approach to our future goals.

Well, after three months I am realizing that he’s spent well over what he has contributed (contributing $8,000, but spent $14,000) and this is now creating more challenges.

He is refusing to tell me what he spent this money on and is making me feel irrational that I am concerned about this.

The purpose originally was to help me with bigger bills that pop up because I pay all the major bills (house, taxes, insurance, cars) and he only pays health insurance (which I am grateful for).

This was the first three months of experiencing commingling and now he’s saying he refuses to come off of the account. He is threatening that my scrutiny marks the demise of our relationship.

I’m worried because I know that finances can often create the biggest issues in relationships, so I’m hoping for some guidance.

I’m not sure what to do at this point. Do you have any suggestions?

– Wondering Wife

Dear Wondering: You don’t seem quite as alarmed as I believe you should be.

Wracking up these huge bills, refusing to tell you where the money has gone, gaslighting you when you express concern, and refusing to come off of this joint account are major red flags.

It is time for you to contact your bank (to figure out where this money is going) and a lawyer, to explore your spousal rights and responsibilities.

You are most likely responsible for debts accrued on a joint account. I hope you’ll act quickly.

Dear Amy: You wrote: “You shouldn’t buy a problem before they’re on sale.” I took this as a great reminder to relax and mind my own business – until it was necessary to face something.

– Grateful

Dear Grateful: During the holiday season, many problems are offered up on an extreme markdown.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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