Ask Amy: Siblings ponder obligation to former stepmother

Dear Amy: Many years ago, my father married a woman 30 years his junior. “Sharon” is only two years older than I. She is younger than my older sisters.

I was not in favor of the marriage, but Dad apparently was happy.

Sharon has a brash personality, a grating voice, and is very self-centered.

My siblings and I tolerated her for our father’s sake, and she was “Grandma Sharon” to our kids (they never had any children together).

Our father died over a decade ago; a couple of years later, Sharon had a relationship with another older man – who has also since died.

Sharon continues to maintain contact with our kids – who now have young children of their own.

When Dad was alive, she hosted an annual holiday gathering, and even though he has passed, she continues to carry on the tradition.

My older siblings and I believe that carrying on this tradition with our family members has run its course and we are not interested in participating.

Our children, however, relish in the lavish gifts Sharon provides, and continue to attend – even going so far as to “guilt” her into it when she has expressed her desire to end it.

(My opinion is that she enjoys the attention.)

Over 10 years after our father’s death, is there any obligation for his children (myself and my siblings) to have a relationship with her? She does have siblings, nieces and nephews in her life.

Are we being selfish in not wanting to attend the annual holiday gathering?

Other than being married to our father, she’s not really “family,” and we really don’t care to continue a relationship.

My siblings and I are wondering how to handle this.

– Tired

Dear Tired: You and your siblings aren’t obligated to spend time with “Sharon,” but you really should have a word with your children. According to you, they “guilt” their grandmother into hosting a holiday gathering that she wants to stop hosting.

I assume it’s too late to handle this year, but you might follow up later by asking Sharon if she wants to continue hosting. Does she feel pressured by the grandchildren? If so, then you could do everyone a favor by asking your (collective) kids to be more considerate of Sharon and for one of them to take over the holiday hosting, themselves.

Pulling this obligation off of her plate might serve everyone’s purposes.

Dear Amy: My daughter, who is in college, is attending a wedding in her boyfriend’s family.

One of his aunts is getting married. The wedding is on the smaller side.

The invitation came to her boyfriend at college and was addressed to the two of them.

They do not live together but they have been together for almost a year and have visited each other over the summer, so our daughter has met several of his extended family members.

I suggested that she ask for their registry information so she can send a gift.

She seemed unsure about doing that.

Do you think this is the right thing to do, or is she her boyfriend’s “plus one” and not expected to provide a gift?

Should she just send a thank you note for being included among the wedding guests? Or should she do nothing but attend and enjoy?

We really like her boyfriend and have met his parents and some of his family members.

We just want to advise her to do the right thing.

– To Gift or not to Gift

Dear To Gift: It seems most logical that your daughter’s boyfriend, who is the primary guest and also a family member, should take the lead regarding a gift, and then the two young people can go in on it together.

Given that they are college students, they should keep their gift modest. The boyfriend might locate a family photo (possibly of his aunt as a child) and have it reproduced and framed, as a gift.

Your daughter should follow up afterward, congratulate the couple, and thank them for including her – saying what a nice time she had celebrating with family.

Dear Amy: “Downward Facing Friend” went above and beyond for a friend when times were tough, and now wants to back away.

Like Downward, I had a friend who emotionally manipulated and then used me. I hung in there and then “slowly backed away,” as you suggested.

Confronting a manipulator can lead to more manipulation.

– Relieved

Dear Relieved: When pondering a confrontation, it’s helpful to ask what good might come from it.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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