Ask Amy: After years of separation, spouse wants to reconcile

Dear Amy: I was married to a wonderful woman for 30 years.

We raised five children together and had our ups and downs, but overall I felt that we had a solid marriage.

After our youngest left the nest my wife, almost immediately, became a different person.

I know she had a case of Empty Nest Syndrome. She befriended single women and started going out frequently. She lost interest in saving the marriage.

This went on for four or five years, and then she decided that she didn’t want to be married anymore and got her own apartment, but we stayed friendly.

I tried to make the transition as smooth as possible, but I’ll admit that I had an ulterior motive to reconcile.

During the eight years since, we’ve half-heartedly attempted numerous reconciliations, but it has never worked out. There has never been any abuse or infidelity. I’ve always felt we got along way too well to give up.

The past few years she has been living with her elderly mother. We are in touch multiple times daily and spend time together. She continually says that when she is no longer required to aid her mother that we will spend more time working on reconciliation.

That has all been fine with me.

Recently I ran into a friend, and she told me that she saw my ex at a social club with an elderly gentleman, which naturally got my attention.

She said that they were clearly on a date and that my ex “was really dressed up and looked great.”

My question for you is, is it time to give up?

I’ve been avoiding her these past few days and I’m struggling with how to approach this.

– Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed: At this point, you and your ex-wife have been living apart for many years.

My take on her behavior after the youngest moved out is that she was experiencing less “empty nest syndrome” (depression and searching for new ways to feel useful and worthy), and more a sense of liberation on her part.

If she was a stay-at-home mother, she may have wanted to start this next phase of her life without the pressure of repairing a marriage she might have been holding together mainly “for the sake of the kids.”

I think it’s now time for you to ponder building a quality life for yourself without reconciliation being at the center.

You and your ex are now friends. She is meeting and dating others, and if you want loving companionship at this stage of your life, you should try this, too.

So, in short, yes, I do believe it is time for you to give up on this marriage in order to give yourself a fresh start.

Dear Amy: My wife and I just welcomed our first child into the world.

My wife has anxiety and depression. She went off her meds during her pregnancy and struggled.

Just after the birth of our son, my folks were visiting at the hospital and started pressuring/correcting her about breastfeeding and on how she was holding the baby. He was less than a day old.

After seeing photos, other of my relatives have commented/critiqued in a way that might seem benign, but for my wife, these comments are causing her to doubt her every move. She is feeling very insecure and her emotions are on edge.

I’ve decided to limit any family visits and to deny visits to people who so far don’t seem able to keep their parenting critiques to themselves. I just want to give us another month or so to get our sea legs, but my parents are very upset.

What do you think?

– Protective Dad

Dear Dad: I agree with your protective choice. These early days are tough, but can also be vital and beautiful bonding times for your little family.

Furthermore, make sure your wife is screened immediately for postpartum depression, and to have her mental health medication restored or adjusted.

After a month or so, you all will be feeling more robust and secure, but even then, you should be careful and protective. It’s a parent’s highest calling.

Dear Amy: Thank you for your snappy reply to “Wondering,” the 29-year-old still living at home who was worried that graduate school would make vacations unaffordable.

I laughed when I read your line, “Vacations? What are they, again? Why are you worried about vacations?”

– Still Working

Dear Still Working: That response was the most polite of several drafts.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

©2024 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.