Ask Amy: A toy kitchen brings up stereotype questions

Dear Amy: My husband and I have a daughter, “Emma.” She is three.

We are thoughtful and responsible parents (at least we think so…).

We have a question about gift-giving.

Our daughter goes to a nursery school program a couple of mornings a week, and it’s going very well.

While at school, she loves to play with a miniature kitchen set. It’s got a little sink and a pretend stove with pots and pans.

We told my sister that we are thinking about getting a version of this for our daughter for Christmas (my sister also has children), but she is strongly disapproving because, as she says, this sort of toy “reinforces gender stereotypes.”

Now we feel weird about it and decided to seek your take.

– Wondering Parents

Dear Wondering: Many parents are concerned about reinforcing gender stereotypes … right up until that moment when their toddler son really loves to play with his cousin’s toy bulldozer, or their daughter falls in love with a Tiny Tammy doll.

Are you willing to deny your child the joy and learning experience of playing with an object she really loves in order to please your sister, or to pat yourselves on the back about adhering consistently to your powerful ideals?

I hope not.

In my opinion, you have absorbed the very real issue of gender stereotyping in a sideways fashion.

The idea is not to deny your child toys that are stereotypically associated with their gender, but to expansively offer them toys and experiences that are typically associated with any gender.

You might think of play (like gender) as occurring across a spectrum that the child has the power and autonomy to determine as they go – not the parents (or, for that matter, the marketing departments of toy companies).

And so – if your son wants a Tiny Tammy doll, he should receive it and be encouraged/allowed to play with it, and if your daughter chooses to wash her toy bulldozer in her pretend kitchen sink, then more power to her.

The boundary I would draw (this Christmas and on into the future) is around toys that encourage violence or mimic weaponry.

(And yes, we all know that your daughter can pretend her wiffleball bat is a gun, but at the end of the day, she knows it’s a wiffleball bat.)

Dear Amy: My mother died five years ago.

I financially supported my stepfather for three of those five years, and spent quality time with him.

He met another woman and deliberately hid the fact that he was dating her from me and my sister.

He decided to sell the house I grew up in. He wouldn’t tell me where he was moving to.

Now my sister is angry with me, because I choose not to participate in her family gatherings, which he attends with his new partner.

This man refused to tell me the truth, after I asked him repeatedly.

The members of my mother’s family have disowned me for it.

Am I in the wrong?

– JD

Dear JD: Let’s say that I could somehow magically determine that you are “right.”

Would it then fix things for you to present an Ask Amy Certificate of Rightness™ to your family members?

I doubt it.

So let me sidestep trying to determine whether your behavior is wrong.

This is more a social and family dilemma than an ethical one.

I don’t know why your stepfather is avoiding you.

Perhaps he is worried that you believe he owes you money (because of your previous financial support).

He might be ashamed of some of his own actions, and too embarrassed to face you.

He might be cowardly overall, or legitimately afraid of you.

Your family members seem to have circled the wagons around this man, and your reaction has placed you outside the circle.

If you were open to it – versus only defending your own position – you might take a look around and at least ask yourself what you might be doing to inspire your entire family to disengage from you.

Dear Amy: Responding to “TikToked-Off,” like them I used to feel uncomfortable having my photo and video taken.

I had a friend who would film no matter what I said.

This friend died suddenly and now looking at the videos frozen in time helps me grapple with my loss and closure.

From my perspective, unless you’re in the witness protection program or filmed indecently you may someday truly treasure those captured moments.

– Remembered

Dear Remembered: I genuinely appreciate your perspective. Thank you.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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