Ask Amy: A partner ponders the nature of ‘jokes’

Dear Amy: I’ve been with my partner for almost 16 years.

Throughout this time, he has said some ridiculously mean things to me, thinking he’s just being funny or making a joke.

Most recently, in the course of a conversation, he “jokingly” called me an “old bag,” thinking that how he said it was clever and “just a joke.”

He’s always so proud of himself when he makes a “funny” statement.

I called him out on it, telling him that I thought that was a mean comment and not funny at all.

He said nothing in return.

We are currently on vacation out of the country and I’m having a hard time not thinking about this and how angry I am at him for saying this and “spoiling” our vacation from the start.

He gets this sense of humor from his family… I understand it intellectually, but it still hurts after all these years.

Am I being too sensitive?

What should I do?

– Really Tired

Dear Tired: To tackle your question about your partner’s hilarity, I shared your question with stand-up comedian and Emmy Award-winning comedy writer Josh Gondelman. His response follows:

“As Mel Brooks famously said: ‘Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.’

In plainer terms, it can be funny when someone else gets hurt.

I’m a pretty compassionate person, but I will laugh every time when someone talking loudly on a cellphone bonks their head on a tree branch while they’re walking down the street. (I’m only human, after all.)

The problem here is that your partner is laughing at the pain of someone (you) he has to sleep next to every night (presumably) until death.

So when you feel pain, it would (presumably, again) make a difference to him.

Are you being sensitive? Sure. Too sensitive? I don’t know about that! Maybe your partner is calling you an ‘old bag’ because the funny thing (to him) is that you’re so obviously NOT an old bag that it’s ironic.

But here’s the thing: When you tell a joke and there’s an audience of two (you and him), and half of that audience (you, again) doesn’t laugh, that joke has bombed.

And yes, as a professional joke teller, it can be fun to antagonize an audience, but not the one you plan to go on vacation with.

There’s a term in comedy for when someone continually makes a joke that hurts people’s feelings and doesn’t go over well. We call it: Being Annoying.

Your partner is being annoying. He’s not taking your feelings into account. And when a comic can’t read the room, he’s in danger of the crowd walking out.”

I’ll add to Josh’s response: In terms of what you should do about this, I suggest that you should re-examine your sensitivities, share this professional comic’s answer with your partner, drop the mic, and (figuratively) “walk out” (disengage patiently) while he reworks his set.

Dear Amy: Recently, my husband and I lost our sweet greyhound. He was almost 13.

We adopted him at 4-½, after a career on the racetrack. We are so grateful he came into our lives, and are humbled by the outpouring of support from our friends and family during this difficult time after his death.

I wanted to make a suggestion to your readers supporting people during their time of pet loss. Instead of sending flowers and treats to the grieving humans, consider making a donation to a local pet rescue, especially one from where the pet is from or which works with the grieving owner’s breed.

While I appreciate the gifts that we received, I would feel such a sense of peace knowing that my dog’s legacy was supporting future dogs in finding their furever homes.

– Grieving Dog Mom

Dear Grieving: This is a fantastic idea. Thank you for suggesting it.

I hope it eases your own sadness somewhat to know that your suggestion will likely lead many people toward supporting animal causes as an expression of sympathy for the loss of a pet.

Dear Amy: “Looking” was frustrated by online matching.

There is a national online site called meetup.com.

It is a fabulous site for finding groups of mutual interest in local areas.

It’s not a dating site, but there are things for singles.

It’s also a way to make friendships. I’ve made several through participating in events.

– Happily Met up

Dear Happily: This is a great suggestion. I’ve used Meetup, myself!

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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