Pine Nuts: One-page autobiography
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By McAvoy Layne — Some attribute my everlasting immaturity to the fact that I’m the son of an optometrist, and so it’s no surprise that I’m always making a spectacle of myself. However, having immersed myself in the writings of Mark Twain for half a century, I am now a recovering spectacle.
Yes, if I can bring a smile to a stranger’s face with a spoken word, well, that’s what I’m here to do. The humorist is not looking for a laugh; the humorist is looking for the hint of a smile, or a nod of acknowledgement, for at bottom, all humorists are calling for action.
On September 18, 1943, inside Providence Hospital, Washington D.C., Barbara Layne gave one herculean push and heard, “I’m here! Got anything to eat?” Providence had it that I would have loving parents, quarreling siblings, a superior wife, a smart son, and three cute grandkids, all of whom have brought light into the life of this lifeguard, SAE, Marine, Never Sweat, and impressionist of Mark Twain.
Now it remains my goal, with the little time I have left, to bring a lasting peace to our torrid world. I have sent letters to presidents Putin and Zelenski offering to help our State Department broker a truce, and am patiently waiting for a reply. Meanwhile, we turn our eyes and hearts to the Middle East. I for one refuse to exit this planet until we have ceased waring on one another while attempting to promote monarchial, theocratic and political postures. And if the Middle East doesn’t cool down, I might just have to haul my Marine Corps uniform out of the closet and command that everybody chill, or they might have to deal with Corporal Night Train Layne.
A little more humor, a little more music, a few more smiles, more dancing, more charity, more kindness, and BINGO, we’ve got ourselves a vigorous and enduring environment.
In closing I would like to suggest that we all pen, on our 80th birthdays, a personal one-page autobiography. Future readings will serve to advance human understanding and tolerance. And should you elect to start your one-page autobiography at age forty, and revise it as you steam mightily and jauntily along, well, that’s an excellent first step. Here’s to chronicling your examined life!
Your friend in history where facts are not essential,
And defender of virtue should any be found,
McAvoy
— Want to hear McAvoy tell it? Listen to the audio version of his column here. For more than 35 years, in over 4,000 performances, columnist and Chautauquan McAvoy Layne has been dedicated to preserving the wit and wisdom of “The Wild Humorist of the Pacific Slope,” Mark Twain. As Layne puts it: “It’s like being a Monday through Friday preacher, whose sermon, though not reverently pious, is fervently American.”
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